vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
