last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
