Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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