why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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