I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
