I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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