Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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