if i can run in heels then i can drive
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
