We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
