Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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