So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
