Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
