it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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