bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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