She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
