I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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