So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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