She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
