It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
