There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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