god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
