I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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