Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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