once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
