Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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