i need an iv and a liver transplant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
