Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
