I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
