So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
