I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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