Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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