u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
