just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
