:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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