he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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