I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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