A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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