ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Did I show you my penis last night?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
