I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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