She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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