Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
