Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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