I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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