I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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