i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
