How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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