she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
