my sisters under your porch take her home
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
