how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
