there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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