You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
