Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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